Thursday Evening, Miserable Rain and a destructive mind, I stood outside in the rain with my head tilted towards the sky , while the rain latched onto my tears and drained to the ground. I could not stop the tears or end the thoughts in my head, there was no light to find my way back to the surface and the thread in which I was hanging on to so desperately had be cut away from the sharpness of pain. I could no longer Live. I went inside drowning both in rain water and tears and curled myself into an agonizing ball. I had no more energy to stand tall and place a plaster on my pain. I just had enough energy to type a goodbye letter on my phone, and to take out my old Stanley knife in which I pressed against the skin on my neck.
The one person who I needed the most could no longer hold me up together, or listen to my cries and thoughts, and that hurt so deeply. But I understood. I understand how difficult it is to constantly be that shoulder to cry on, and well sometimes it becomes unbearable.
Alone I lay with the mind chatters in my head and a desperation to leave for good. I was so close to give up, but fear stepped in once again and I questioned whether or not this was the only option.
I Knew there was one person who could help. One who is recently going through a very bad time at moment also. I knew she would convince me not to do it or else take my mind off all the pain. I picked up my phone, an typed the message ‘I don’t Think i have a thin thread to hang on to any more, please tell me I’m Not the Only One. It’s So easy just to give up’. My tears dropped onto the screen , and when I tried to press send , the water was was not allowing my thumb to press send. I thought to myself maybe this is God’s way of telling me to give up, that there is no help and no other option. With my last ounce of energy I pressed the send button again. It sent! My plea for Help was sent. Within 2 minutes my friend replied. ‘Don’t you give up on me, Breathe breathe, breathe breathe …….’
I won’t go into too much detail , but what I can tell you is that for nearly 2 hours, she stayed on the phone with me, and with every text she sent she gave me pieces of hope, little by little. I don’t think she understands that, that night she became a hero and saved a life. She saved my life. I went to sleep knowing that I could make it true to tomorrow as I had made her a promise to meet her and talk. She know’s I can’t break promises, never have I ever broke a promise.
I didn’t sleep a wink that night fearing that I would have a nightmare of something that happened in my past or my thoughts once again being seen in my dream as so realistic. So I stayed awake, and wrote, and cried, and walked down the canal after 4am in the morning practicing my breathing.
I was still awake when my phone vibrated again and had seen that my friend had asked me how I was feeling that morning. I was honest. I am always honest, I can never be dishonest with people who I care about. She immediately then told me that she had bought me a book called ‘ The Celestine Prophecy’ to try help my mind escape from life, for even the slightest amount of time. When I read this text message I broke down in tears, I felt this huge weight lift off my shoulders. My soul had lightened a little and a Smile had made its way onto my face. We Spoke for hours about how kindness , No matter how small or big can bring huge amounts of happiness to a soul. I obviously experienced this happiness from when she bought me the book. While my friend was telling me all about her projects and her own personal experiences I could feel my mind gradually healing. I could see the thread getting a little bit stronger, although the pain still remained inside of me it was slightly numbed.
We arranged a time and place and I counted down the hours while I was reminding myself to stay brave and not cry.
I managed to get lost along the way, typical of me I know! I knew I was going to get lost! I always either get lost in my mind or down a street so that feeling of being lost became very familiar for me.
My friend again came to the rescue and led me along the right path with her. I smiled straight away when I seen her. That relieved feeling that I was safe and that happiness was soon awaiting me around the corner.We came across an America Couple who were obviously lost , and were need of direction. A bit like myself I must admit. She asked the couple do they need help with directions and once the directions were delivered the American Woman’s reaction was the most heart warming funny responses ever! She shouted ”yesssssssssss, I knew it”and looked back at her husband. He didn’t seem too pleased but it was nice to see the woman act that way, it made my soul laugh and that all came from my friend being kind in helping some tourists. We also shared a very obscure coincidence where I had only hugged a homeless man that Tuesday and she has engaged with this man also on several occasions. Anyway that crazy moment needs more observing but that is for another day.
We continued our way down the road which lead us to the park. We sat down in the most magical places I have been lucky enough to see. And as I gazed around in admiration I began to feel extremely emotional knowing that If I had of ended my life that night previously I would have not received the opportunity to see the beauty in this incredible place.
Myself and My friend spoke about life & Kindness and Her projects she was doing. It was only when I got home that night that a thought had crossed my mind. While we sat there and spoke, I did not feel compelled to spiel out all my emotions and cry every last tear into her hands. I didn’t feel depressed or anxious or lonely. Yes,I didn’t feel myself, but I felt this positive energy forming around me. I just wanted to listen to her story and her kindness, and her ways in which she reminded me that there is kindness in this world , and I smiled each time she spoke of kindness or positivism. I felt so alive listening to my friend that I did not want to speak of all the negative emotions that were haunting my soul. And I was completely happy knowing that. Every time I am in her presence something in my soul shifts and I cannot help but smile and feel content with life.
As the evening came to a close we walked back into town, we laughed over Michael McIntyre and she shared more stories with me like How her eye contact project was a huge hit! I felt so much admiration for my friend when she spoke of everything. Every word, or idea she had or has is entirely focused on helping other peoples lives feel that little bit better. She goes through her ever day life with the mentality that she will change the world and make it a kinder place, and she is! She is changing the world with every smile she gives, with every compliment, every hug or every random act of kindness. She is Mother T!
I began reading the book she had bought for me, ‘The Celestine Prophecy’ and I became very emotional, not because of the fact that the book was so intriguing but the fact that someone knew me so truly that they knew this book would be a temporary solution to my Permanently ill mind. By knowing that another human can know that something will help, makes me believe that someone understands me. And I cannot express how much that means to me.
I am Hooked on this book. It’s beginning to put the pieces of puzzle that were missing in my mind together.It’s giving explanation for the way I feel and think. I could write pages and pages on this book but this post is only focused on my friend and her kindness.
If I thought she could not get any more kinder, she proved me wrong. She only went and carried out the best thing ever! And I mean that! What she done is the most kindest , sweetest act I have ever received. EVER!
She asked me today to tell her a couple of my favorite quotes , and so I did. I didn’t think much into it, I just assumed that If I ever began to hit rock bottom and can no longer think of anything positive again she would remind me of my Favorite Quote.
A few Hours had passed and she had sent me this Photo…
I was just on my way home from Coolock after watching my partner in crime play a big game, and this message came through ‘Don’t Zoom into this photo until I tell you the story behind it. So the reason I asked for your Favourite Quotes is because I wanted to create a (my name) Inspired Trail Of Positivity today and send you the photo’s. This one is special because as I was trying to take the photo the tag kept blowing around. A random man stopped and held the tag for me so I could take a photo. This is that photo. Now Zoom in.
There wasn’t a drop of rain that landed in Dublin today and I can honestly say the tears that I shed when I seen this message could water every flower in Dublin. My heart was repaired. I was extremely overwhelmed that I began to Hyperventilate while smiling at the same time. I didn’t know what to say, but I most certainly knew what this emotion I was enduring was. It was happiness. And It meant the world to me. It touched my heart so deeply that it too was crying with happiness.
She sent on more and as you can imagine I could not keep the smile off my face. It was the best feeling ever.
When you Can be Anything in the World, Be Kind. My Friend is the definition of Kind. She could chose to be anything in this world. She has a tough life, a very very tough life and She could be selfish, she could be greedy, she could be stubborn, not interested, quiet or rude. But she chose to be special, to be unique, to be understanding, to be loving and giving. She choice to be Kind. She understands how Kindness can nourish and heal the heart and soul, no matter how small or big. But the one Thing that makes me smile and means the most to me is that she choice to be my friend.
In world where you can be anything , Be kind.
She is the Kindness in this world.